defyingfrigidity | Ninth Flake [text]

[This is new: a post from Elsa not in video. Normally she tries to use it as often as she can, since it helps her with talking to people without the intimidation of being face-to-face in person. But she's feeling kind of... not quite upset, but not like herself today. She'd rather not let that bleed into the video and audio, so for now, text it is.]

I just noticed the anniversary of a very important event in my life is almost here. The thing itself wasn't so bad - it was certainly something to celebrate at least - but the events that happened during and after it... they were more than a bit terrible.

[Yeah she's being kind of vague here. But only because she hasn't really told anyone about the whole "Eternal Winter" thing. And she's.... still somewhat afraid to. People know about what happened with Anna, yes, but if they knew she'd almost sentenced her entire kingdom to an eternal winter of suffering... would they act different towards her then?]

Even so, I... look back somewhat fondly on those days, despite the bad things that happened. Because even though bad things happened, a lot of good came out of it in the end.

Still... is that odd?

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Well... yes. I repaired my relationship with the only family I have left, and I was able to start accepting myself and seeing my powers as just... a part of me instead of a curse.

What happened did a lot of good. But fixing my personal problems doesn't mean I should just ignore that some people very likely suffered during the events that transpired this time last year.]

But I'm the queen! I have to know all of this. It's part of my job...

No, but that could also be because the people they must go through before they can speak to me directly might be handling their grievances instead.

That's a problem, though. Reports of civilians getting hurt wouldn't have reached me, since I had other things to focus on, so I have no idea if or how badly others were hurt...]

But... shouldn't the feelings of others be taken into account as well? If they continue to see what happened as a bad thing, then just because you feel sorry about it, there's still a problem...

... Is there any at all way to make it go away?

Yeah, but that's not what you asked.

What you asked is whether it's weird to look back on something like that fondly - and if you think it was worth it, then you're going to look back on it fondly. That doesn't make you weird, that doesn't make you a bad person, that doesn't make you someone who doesn't care that bad stuff happened. It makes you normal.

I'm pretty sure that means its your job to do the best you can for your people. You're not God, you can't know EVERYTHING that happens. Jeeze Elsa, listen to what you're upset about. Maybe some people might have gotten hurt and you don't know either way. Okay, sure, that stinks. But what the hell is beating yourself up over it now going to do?

...not totally.

[A year ago, Jimmy might have said yes.]

If it's something small, then sure! It's easier to let yourself forget about little things like that. But bigger things...those can be tough, yankow? And if you can look back on it fondly, then I dunno if I'd wanna just completely forget about it.

[History repeats itself, and all that.]

I guess that's a problem. I know how that feels, I think.

I....

... I don't know. I'm sorry.

[Elsa's spent her whole life beating herself up when things go out of her control. That's the only thing she knows how to do in some cases.]

... How so?

I suppose not. But...

It's hard. Not feeling this way.

I think so, yes. I'm still happy with something that hurt others, even if I only hurt them on accident. That... that can't be right...

But... it would make those I hurt upset. It might make them angry. That's not really very fair to them, is it?

They have to work those feelings out for themselves. It might take a while. What happened? Is that an okay thing to ask?

Then how about you have some days where the people can speak to you directly? It shows them you car even more!

I've done horrible things too, when I couldn't control my powers. People died...

But because of that I was able to meet some really nice people who helped me. I don't know what I'd do without them.

[He'd see them again soon, hopefully...]

...I can never make up for what I've done. Even so, without all that happening, I would have never met my friends. It might not be okay but that's how it is. We both have to keep going, you know?

[... Yeah. Time to lock this.]

I did... horrible things. I hurt people, and I don't really know how many people were hurt by my actions. So I know how it feels to... not be sure of how many people you hurt.

I know. But the fact that you do feel that way is a good thing, in the end. It shows you know how to grow.

It is good you can see the good that comes out of the bad. Not many people can do that; I can't, says Gaskell.

Look, I just mean... Nobody can protect everybody all the time. Even if you're supposed to be the person looking after everybody, the person people come to for help. No matter what you do or how hard you try, you're just a person. And people mess up. Sometimes really badly. We just got to try and do better and not let it drag us down. Trust me. That's a real bad path to go down. I been there.

...For what it's worth, from what I've heard it doesn't sound like you were fond of the catastrophe so much as you were fond of the liberation it brought with it.

Is any of it the sort of thing you'd wish on your sister or any of your subjects? No, of course not. But because the old gave way to the new, even catastrophically, you were given the opportunity to make the present better than the past.

Think of it this way. If a house burns down, and in building a replacement you craft the new house to be the kind of home you've always dreamed of, does that mean you have to look back on the fire and say, "I'm certainly glad that happened"? Absolutely not; it was a tragedy and a loss, and nothing that anyone would rationally wish for. But that also doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't be happy with what you've done in the aftermath — especially not if you've made it better for yourself than you had before.

It sounds like what you want to say is, "I'm glad things changed", without saying you necessarily support the means through which that change came about.

You can't forget the bad, but you can learn from it. The way I see it, you can either let it haunt you, or you can accept things for what they are and try to move forward.

It's like a balancing act, but I also know it's easier said than done.

[... Oh.]

Whatever you did... was it an accident, or...?

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