defyingfrigidity | Ninth Flake [text]

[This is new: a post from Elsa not in video. Normally she tries to use it as often as she can, since it helps her with talking to people without the intimidation of being face-to-face in person. But she's feeling kind of... not quite upset, but not like herself today. She'd rather not let that bleed into the video and audio, so for now, text it is.]

I just noticed the anniversary of a very important event in my life is almost here. The thing itself wasn't so bad - it was certainly something to celebrate at least - but the events that happened during and after it... they were more than a bit terrible.

[Yeah she's being kind of vague here. But only because she hasn't really told anyone about the whole "Eternal Winter" thing. And she's.... still somewhat afraid to. People know about what happened with Anna, yes, but if they knew she'd almost sentenced her entire kingdom to an eternal winter of suffering... would they act different towards her then?]

Even so, I... look back somewhat fondly on those days, despite the bad things that happened. Because even though bad things happened, a lot of good came out of it in the end.

Still... is that odd?

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[Elsa... isn't sure she wants to talk about it. She knows by now that talking is a Good Thing, and it's helped her a lot in the past year. But still... this is something she's pretty ashamed of.

Because of that, it... takes a while for her to respond.]

I... put my subjects in danger, for a very selfish reason. It was a personal matter that, had I been reasonable, could have been solved quickly and privately.

But I missed up, ad my subjects felt the effects of it.

[Yeah, sorry, she's.... still being a bit vague...]

[Ah, selfishness. Now there's a flaw that Carmen of all people is no stranger to, herself.]

If it's all right to ask — and it's fine to refuse — what was it that kept you from being reasonable? Pride? Sadness? ...Something else?

Fear, mainly. I didn't want my people - or even my sister - to find out about my magic. [That, at least, Elsa can talk about openly now.] And the fear of everyone finding out just made things worse when they did find out...

They took it badly, I assume...?

Someone flat-out called me a monster.

[Granted, it was that weasel of a Duke, but he was an ally at that point. He counts.]

And it was easy to see... the people were scared of me, at first. They all backed away when they saw what I could do.

And that didn't help your own fear any, no doubt. Or your chances at being reasonable — I think most people would agree that being called terrible things doesn't generally elicit calm and cooperation.

So you were afraid, and they were afraid. And...the situation erupted?

Yes. I...

[Carmen can't see it from her end, but there's a long pause before Elsa starts typing again.]

I... accidentally cursed my entire kingdom.

[God, just typing that makes her feel sick. And knowing that she told someone hurts even more...]

[It's strange, really; when the message arrives, it's just five words on a screen, a sentence easily read, taking no longer than a brisk sweep of the eyes.

She wonders how much effort went into constructing it. More likely than not, it's far more than it took to read it.

Five words. My name is...

No. Sometimes just five words can be more difficult than anyone else could possibly imagine.]

...What happened after that?

[Maybe that's easier than probing questions about the curse itself. If the story has a happy ending, maybe it's gentler to keep it moving towards that.]

My sister tried to bring me back. It didn't work. I accidentally cursed her too in my panic.

[It's... almost scary how it's easier to mention that then it was to talk about how she cursed Arendelle. Probably because several people already saw her hurt Anna in her dream, and she's already talked about almost killing her...]

Not long after, some men lead by the prince of a neighboring kingdom came to take me back. They succeeded, but I broke out of the castle's prison not long after.

The prince... he tried to kill me. He was greedy, and wanted my throne. Anna... Anna stopped him though. She sacrificed herself to save me. [That, too, is hard to talk about. She hasn't mentioned that to her friends yet, not even Asami....] That wound up saving her, though. Because "an act of true love" was able to undo her curse. And that showed me that if I focus on feelings like that, I could lift even the strongest curses.

So I was able to save my kingdom, in the end. But it was still a few days between when I accidentally cursed it and when I was able to lift said curse. That was more than enough time to do serious damage to the people and the land itself.

...For what it's worth, from what I've heard it doesn't sound like you were fond of the catastrophe so much as you were fond of the liberation it brought with it.

Is any of it the sort of thing you'd wish on your sister or any of your subjects? No, of course not. But because the old gave way to the new, even catastrophically, you were given the opportunity to make the present better than the past.

Think of it this way. If a house burns down, and in building a replacement you craft the new house to be the kind of home you've always dreamed of, does that mean you have to look back on the fire and say, "I'm certainly glad that happened"? Absolutely not; it was a tragedy and a loss, and nothing that anyone would rationally wish for. But that also doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't be happy with what you've done in the aftermath — especially not if you've made it better for yourself than you had before.

It sounds like what you want to say is, "I'm glad things changed", without saying you necessarily support the means through which that change came about.

That's... an interesting way to put it. Interesting, and more easy to understand.

But still... if other peoples' possessions were burned down in that fire, and they were clearly upset about it long after the house was rebuilt, do you still have the right to say such things?

...Well, tact would at least suggest that you not say it to them.

I understand that some of it can't be put easily into an analogy, because these aren't just "other people"; they're your subjects, and so there's a level upon which you have a duty to them. The house example doesn't account for that, nor does it consider the feeling that you personally have an obligation to put your happiness second to that of the people who depend on you.

But I still think they're distinguishable considerations. It's not wrong to be happy that something in your life is better, in and of itself. I think that's different than being happy that something in your life is better at someone else's expense.

Ninth Flake [text]

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