defyingfrigidity | Ninth Flake [text]

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Ninth Flake [text]

[This is new: a post from Elsa not in video. Normally she tries to use it as often as she can, since it helps her with talking to people without the intimidation of being face-to-face in person. But she's feeling kind of... not quite upset, but not like herself today. She'd rather not let that bleed into the video and audio, so for now, text it is.]

I just noticed the anniversary of a very important event in my life is almost here. The thing itself wasn't so bad - it was certainly something to celebrate at least - but the events that happened during and after it... they were more than a bit terrible.

[Yeah she's being kind of vague here. But only because she hasn't really told anyone about the whole "Eternal Winter" thing. And she's.... still somewhat afraid to. People know about what happened with Anna, yes, but if they knew she'd almost sentenced her entire kingdom to an eternal winter of suffering... would they act different towards her then?]

Even so, I... look back somewhat fondly on those days, despite the bad things that happened. Because even though bad things happened, a lot of good came out of it in the end.

Still... is that odd?

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I can't say I blame you for being kind of apprehensive about it...I mean, that was like, your big secret, just kinda out there. I can't even imagine what that must have felt like...

[She stops poking her sister's sides, moving over to hold her hands instead.]

But if you want my opinion, and I'm sure you do, I can't help but look back on that anything but fondly myself. I mean, obviously at the time it was like, "wait, whaaaat?" But I feel that way now mainly because, well, if it didn't happen, we would never be this close now.

[Elsa flinches a little, but doesn't pull away. Her hands are still a very sensitive thing for her, even without her magic, but... with Anna, she doesn't mind at all.]

Yes, that's why I look fondly back on it too. If none of that happened, the gates might still be closed, and we might never have fixed our relationship. But even so...

What I did... the kingdom's curse... I can't imagine how many people that must have negatively affected.

Well, if the way the reacted after you thawed everything and whatnot is any indication, they seemed pretty quick to forgive you for it, so it couldn't have been that bad. I'm pretty sure everyone knows that you didn't do it on purpose.

But is that really how they felt? Were they only acting that way because the entire kingdom knows what I can do? What if they really are mad at me for the curse? I could have hurt a lot of farmers' incomes because of the sudden frost.

What if... [Her grip on her sister's hands tightens.] What if many of them are scared of me...?

I suppose not, but...

I'm sure there were people who were hurt during the whole fiasco. It's not really fair to them that I think back fondly on it, is it?

[Anna doesn't mind squeezing Elsa's hands back, but she has a pretty good idea of how to respond to this one.]

If they were scared, you'd think they'd be a little more vocal about it. I mean, you saw everyone's faces when it first happened, right? They were scared then, because they didn't get it. You could see it in their eyes, y'know?

But when you used your powers in the courtyard, and you were ice skating with me, it was totally different! They didn't look afraid and they didn't look upset. Everyone was smiling and having fun, right? I don't think that was a lie. If it was, it'd be a pretty darn elaborate one to have everyone pretend to be happy there.

We live in a kingdom that has, like, some of the best subjects in the whole world, in my opinion. I'm not just saying that because they're ours, either! How do I put it...I think they're all very understanding people, and I think they're really happy to finally have a queen that's open with them now after so long, you know? People really love and respect you, not because they're scared of you but because you're a good queen who cares about her people.

Focusing on the good is preferable, yes, but looking past the bad, when it really was a horrible chain of events... I just don't know if that's preferable.

Of course! There's only one thing I regret more in my life than what I did.

But a person can greatly regret something and others still won't forgive them for it. And they can still be cautious around that person...

Has the person forgiven you?

Then that's on them. Those are the type of people you don't need in your life! They'll drag you down and hurt you. If they can't forgive you for something you're sorry for, they don't see you as a real person. You're just a commodity.

[Just like her fans who were upset she quit being an idol. The loyal fans are the ones she was happy that they embraced her again in her return.]

[ That is tough. But... ]

I think... bad things may have happened, but as long as you realize that... and have resolved to change, I think it's okay to be thankful for it.

I know what you mean. ... It depends how badly they were hurt, I guess. If they ended up okay... it's not so bad, I think.

But this is different. I...

[Geez, it's been a while since she told someone this, hasn't it...]

I'm the queen of my kingdom. The common people... if they're still angry or upset at me over what I did, I can't just ignore them like that.

That's... that's true.

I'm just not sure how many people were hurt. What happened... it affected my entire kingdom. There had to have been some people out there that were hurt that I was never notified about...

I think that's the main reason I feel so guilty. That some things happened to innocent people that I still don't know about.

.... You really think that makes a difference? Even if I'm still happy about how things ended...?

I don't know... it still feels a bit wrong.

Yes, I did see the fear in their eyes. Which is why I'm sure many of them are still scared. Fear like that.... you can't just get over it in a matter of days. You're fearing something that can hurt you, possibly kill you... that leaves an affect on people, even if they try to be happy later.

[Trust her, Anna. Elsa knows a lot about fear.]

You can't really expect everyone to feel the same way, can you?

[Oh my. A Queen!]

Have they come to you and told you they were upset or angry?

You can't know everything. Nobody can. Bad shit happens, that's just the way it goes. I figure if you didn't kill anybody with your own two hands, you don't really got anything to be too guilty about. You're a good person, Elsa. Don't beat yourself up over some things that maybe could have happened.

Still. I think it's okay to be thankful for that.

Don't you? There are some people that wouldn't feel bad at all.

I'm not saying it's completely fine... I know it's not. But I think it's better than nothing and you shouldn't have to feel bad for being happy.

That could be, but once they find out that their fear is unjustified, they take the steps to get over it, don't they? And I don't think that they're putting on an act for you. You'd know it if they were, I'm positive of it.

If there are some people who are still afraid, it might take them some time, yeah. But there are just as many people who know that you're not out to hurt them, and that you care about them and want them to be happy because you're their queen. No matter what, though, no one can say you're a bad person for that. I mean, they might've been scared, but you were scared, too, and I think everyone knows that, at least.

[It's strange, really; when the message arrives, it's just five words on a screen, a sentence easily read, taking no longer than a brisk sweep of the eyes.

She wonders how much effort went into constructing it. More likely than not, it's far more than it took to read it.

Five words. My name is...

No. Sometimes just five words can be more difficult than anyone else could possibly imagine.]

...What happened after that?

[Maybe that's easier than probing questions about the curse itself. If the story has a happy ending, maybe it's gentler to keep it moving towards that.]

I think the more important question here is whether you think it was worth it or not.

I get that that probably sounds cold or like an asshole thing to say, and who knows, maybe I'm jerk of the week for saying it, it wouldn't be the first time that I have been. But if you're looking back on it and calling it good, you think whatever good things happened were worth the bad, yeah?

Fear spreads, though. It's like... I don't know, a cold. If one person is scared, the people around them can start to feel scared, even if they weren't before. Rumors spread, and unfounded worries can begin to spread as well.

I'm not saying the paranoia of a few people can cause our kingdom to collapse, it's just... [Elsa's gaze drops down to their hands.] I don't want people to feel like that. And it's impossible to keep track of how every single person in Arendelle is feeling.

My sister tried to bring me back. It didn't work. I accidentally cursed her too in my panic.

[It's... almost scary how it's easier to mention that then it was to talk about how she cursed Arendelle. Probably because several people already saw her hurt Anna in her dream, and she's already talked about almost killing her...]

Not long after, some men lead by the prince of a neighboring kingdom came to take me back. They succeeded, but I broke out of the castle's prison not long after.

The prince... he tried to kill me. He was greedy, and wanted my throne. Anna... Anna stopped him though. She sacrificed herself to save me. [That, too, is hard to talk about. She hasn't mentioned that to her friends yet, not even Asami....] That wound up saving her, though. Because "an act of true love" was able to undo her curse. And that showed me that if I focus on feelings like that, I could lift even the strongest curses.

So I was able to save my kingdom, in the end. But it was still a few days between when I accidentally cursed it and when I was able to lift said curse. That was more than enough time to do serious damage to the people and the land itself.

This is going to sound a little callous, but the fact is... People hurt each other. That's a fact of life. Even people who are very close. Especially them, in fact. What's important is to learn from the mistakes you've made, so you can avoid causing that same pain again.

And really. Would your guilt and regret help the situation at all?</font.

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